I took a long ride out to Pennslyvania to visit a good friend of mine and his family.  I hadn't seen them for a long time.  Since my diagnosis, I've pretty much have kept to myself and only recently have I started to venture out of the safety and shelter of my home.  I know it sounds sad, but the truth is this HIV thing takes some time to deal with, and for me it has taken just over a year for me to start to get back into the swing of things.

Ironically, I found that HIV is just about everywhere.  Even on my trip to Pennslyvania, I couldn't get away from it.  It seems my friend has another friend, who recently tested positive.  So, although it was my day off from the Just Tested Positive.Com Chatroom, I found myself once again "chatting" with my friends about HIV.  I didn't mind, after all, I think I have learned quite a bit from the people here on the website and actually enjoy sharing what I have learned with others.  It's like that Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game, HIV is probably six steps or less, from someone you love.  Sad but true.  I had a great evening and it felt good to get out the house.  I think I will do much more of that in the near future.  I know a great restaurant right outside Pennslyvania, Hibachi Style, get you in and out in under thirty minutes. (That's an inside joke)

Just the other night I was in our chatroom when a nice woman from Belgium came into the room.  We started to chat and I found out she was not HIV positive, nor did she have an HIV positive family member or friend.  It seems she got lost on the Userplane Webpage, (they service our chatroom) and accidently ended up in our room   When I explained the purpose of the chatroom and that mos people here were HIV positive, I expected her to excuse herself and, but she didn't.  She continued to chat with me for just under three hours.  We talked about HIV and the website and she told me about the good things in Belgium.  It seems she works overnights in an old folks home and kills time by chatting after everyone is in bed.  I thought it was really cool that she just didn't run out the room.  It told me alot about the people of Belgium.  The next day she was back again and we chatted some more.  The day after that I came into the chatroom and saw the remnants of a conversation she had with a "newbie" in the room.  She was explaining that they should come back in the evening to speak with our group.  Her name is wii-girl, so if you see her in the room, say hi.  She really is a special lady.  I'm glad she got lost in our room.     

Well before testing positive for HIV, I was one of those people who had to go out every weekend and look at the beautiful people.  The diagnosis pretty much put an end to that for me, as the social stigma attributed to this virus pretty much scared me into seclusion.  Since that time, I found myself pretty much keeping to myself and only stepping out to have dinner with the closest of friends.  It's not that I didn't want to go out and look at beautiful people, it was more about feeling like I didn't want to run into people I knew, and have them look at me in a strange way or something.  I knew it was time to go out when my eleven year old son told me "GO OUT"!  I guess he was not liking the fact that I was turning into some anti-social hermit thing.

So, I went to the mall and bought a new outfit.  Got a new haircut and headed out with a friend to a spot in New York City.  Yes, they are still partying without me  in New York!  Life does go on!  It was strange though, as I looked around the hundreds of people and wondered to myself, who was going through the same thing as me?  Who was there with the same anxiety and the same fear of meeting someone and then having to explain the "status" thing?  All in all, I had a nice time, I didn't say great, I said nice.  People are still beautiful, and I think its time I start getting back into the world a little more. 

The holidays are over and I have noticed a spike in the amount of unique hits and new names on the website.  I guess many people didn't get their HIV test results until after the New Year.  Geez, what a way to start 2007.  For those of you passing through, welcome, you have found new friends here.  People, who are going through pretty much the same experience as you. 

This week I got my some of my lab work back.  Since November 2005, I had seen a steady decline in my T-cells.  I think I started somewhere around 640 and just last blood draw was hovering around 450.  I was starting to get nervous about the next round of tests.  They say 350 is where you should start meds, and I don't want meds! Well this month the T-cells are at 548 and I really don't know why or how, but I'm happy about it.  From what I understand, these numbers can bounce back and forth from time to time.  So those of you concerned about your numbers, listen to your doctor, they know best and remember to do your part to keep yourself healthy, eat right and exercise...and cut out the bad stuff.  (I like some bad stuff, but I'm cutting back!?

Getting old sucks. I understand the alternative is worse,but as a guy who loved chasing the young hot new kid on the block I am going nuts! The HIV hasn't made it any easier. Why am I'm so sensitive nowadays? I guess it's because old habits are hard to break. I like what I like and its harder to get what I like. I have been communicating with a very attractive young man for two months now and I just think the world of them. They too are HIV positive and I thought there were brighter days ahead. However, I am much older then them, as usual and it is an issue. They wonder what I see in a younger man. I had to respect their feelings but it was a reality check for me that I am not that young hot papi I used to be! I guess I'll have to accept that, but I sure as heck don't want too! Yeah, this is a martini Friday night.

Went to see my doctor today, Dr. Renee E. Frankel.  I was suprised to hear that she had been reading my Blog and had read that I had a bad cold.  She told me I should have called, however, I told her that i didn't really want to run to the doctor everytime I get a cold.  She understood,  but took no chances and gave me a thorough check-up.  So there you have it folks, yet another reason to start your own Blog!

Dr. Frankel has been treating me since my initial diagnosis in November 2006.  Her office is located in Morristown, New Jersey.  So, if you are in the area and need some extra special medical attention, give  her a call.  It makes a difference when you feel comfortable about going to your doctor, and I am thankful that Dr. Frankel and her staff offer me a very comfortable place to go.  

Usually blood draws make me nuts.  It's been a year now and this one wasn't so bad.  I guess it could have been the klonapan I took, but I'm hoping I'm just making good old fashion progress with the psychological aspects of this virus.  

Finally, today I got a lovely email from a woman in South Africa.  She told me her story and complimented the site, saying its the best she has come across.  Reading that just makes all the hours I spend on here worth it.  It's very nice to be part of making someone feel just a little better.  You guys do that for me! 

Sitting at home watching my Notre Dame Fighting Irish play LSU in the Sugar Bowl.  Some things just bring me joy, and watching my Fighting Irish is one of them.  They are playing a tough team, doesn't look like its gonna be a great night, but I love it!  Had a great year with my college football, went to Rutgers University for undergrad and they were the story of the year.  Go RU too!!!  Notre Dame Law came afterwards.  So the football Gods are smiling at me lately!!!!

Redid the message board and created Forums.  I hope more people will put their thoughts up there.  I think its important because so many people come here when the chatroom is slow.  So its important to put things up there for them.  The holidays are over and people are once again coming here in bigger numbers.  Let's help them out!

 

Well 2007 is here. I plan to start the year off on a high note by getting focused on my life and my plans for the future. I think I have spent too many nights thinking about how bad life could be, so this year will be spent thinking about how good life will be. I know I want to see the website continue to grow, I want to get back on track in my own profesional life, and hey, finding a date or is also on the agenda. So here's to 2007! May it bring us all happiness and success.

I am entering day four of a lousy cold.  This one just doesn't want to go away.  Which raises the question, if my last labs were ok, do I go running to the doctor everytime I catch a cold?  It would seem the answer is no, but what the heck do I know!  Yes, this is one of the dilemmas you face when you are HIV positive, when do you go to the doctors?  I don't want to be paranoid, my last numbers were good, but I still can't help but feel I should be extra careful.  For now I'll just keep taking my tylenol and nyquil until this cold vanishes.  I'm watching my son Justin, he has the cold too.  Actually, I think he gave it to me.  I figure when he gets better, I'll get better one day later.  That's the plan for now. 

It's difficult sometimes to enjoy the holidays.  I wondered if I would be able to get through Christmas this year without taking an anxiety pill. Klonapan is my pill of choice. Yeah, I take them when I get caught up in my head and spend too much time thinking about things.  Thanksgiving I took one, this Christmas Eve I spent the evening with family and managed to get through it without one.  I guess it had a lot to do with watching my little nephew and niece being so excited about the arrival of Santa Claus.  Children only understand one thing, FUN!  Sometimes it takes something like children to remind you that the circle of life continues with or without you.  So I guess, Christmas Eve was reminder that life goes on and I better get back on track because there are some wonderful things out there.

The fact of the matter is that this HIV thing sucks, and it sucks not because it kills you but because it can kill your spirit. Its like the fucking Grinch, only meaner!  So this Christmas my nephew and niece gave me a wonderful gift.  The gift of spirit!  I drove home with a renewed faith that I'll be ok and that I must try harder to get back into the groove of my life.  Merry Christmas!